A Death, A Move, and Three Requests
"Blind these eyes who never tried to lose temptation.
I'm so scared. Where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man:
well I am that man."
Jennifer Knapp, "Way I Am"
"To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
A saint of God in our church passed away last week: Kathy Hinton. Sadly, I barely knew her. She was already in poor health when Sharon and I joined the church, and though her husband Bill was faithfully at church almost every Sunday we've lived here, I never took the time to get to know Kathy.
Many in our church considered her a dear friend, though, and our church (recently rocked with conflict) is now in an odd position, as some of the people to whom she was dear are now being called to celebrate her life at a funeral to be held at the very church they have left.
There are so many conflicting emotions in my heart about moving to Los Angeles, and in middle of it I find the words of praise given in honor of this woman I never knew to be extremely comforting. She was faithful to her God. She relied on Him in her darkest moments. Her family knows the weight of glory.
With our leaving, many people have taken the time to say very nice things to me about our ministry here. I am thankful God has used me in their lives. But inside I know that just as we see our Christ as through a mirror darkly when we experience manifestations of love on earth I also know that the worry and concern I dwell on in this move are dim reflections of a deeper reality in my heart: the lack of faith still present. I am glad others have seen in me the work of God; for now I can't seem to get past the work left to do.
And thus with two different endings happening simultaneously (one leading to a glorious new beginning in the breath of God after a struggle with the body, and one leading to a hopefully good ministry and healthier life in sunny California after a struggle with weather), I find myself contemplating the incongruity of the complete power of God at work in his incomplete children. I didn't know Kathy, but I suspect that her times of doubt were real, her struggles honest. Yet, she was faithful, as I can hope to become.
Here is where those of you who share my faith will find beauty and those of you who don't will scorn: I believe all of the nice words said about Sharon and my character are true, just as I am sure that all of the words said about Kathy Hinton are true. And knowing the traitor inside me, I can only believe they are true because of the limitless power of my Heavenly Father to make them so, despite the rot in my own soul.
Why would He do this? Because it is simply His desire to do so.
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:3
So pray for the Hintons, and pray for us: to see Him more clearly, to love Him more dearly, and to follow Him more clearly in the days left to us, wherever they may be.
I'm so scared. Where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man:
well I am that man."
Jennifer Knapp, "Way I Am"
"To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
A saint of God in our church passed away last week: Kathy Hinton. Sadly, I barely knew her. She was already in poor health when Sharon and I joined the church, and though her husband Bill was faithfully at church almost every Sunday we've lived here, I never took the time to get to know Kathy.
Many in our church considered her a dear friend, though, and our church (recently rocked with conflict) is now in an odd position, as some of the people to whom she was dear are now being called to celebrate her life at a funeral to be held at the very church they have left.
There are so many conflicting emotions in my heart about moving to Los Angeles, and in middle of it I find the words of praise given in honor of this woman I never knew to be extremely comforting. She was faithful to her God. She relied on Him in her darkest moments. Her family knows the weight of glory.
With our leaving, many people have taken the time to say very nice things to me about our ministry here. I am thankful God has used me in their lives. But inside I know that just as we see our Christ as through a mirror darkly when we experience manifestations of love on earth I also know that the worry and concern I dwell on in this move are dim reflections of a deeper reality in my heart: the lack of faith still present. I am glad others have seen in me the work of God; for now I can't seem to get past the work left to do.
And thus with two different endings happening simultaneously (one leading to a glorious new beginning in the breath of God after a struggle with the body, and one leading to a hopefully good ministry and healthier life in sunny California after a struggle with weather), I find myself contemplating the incongruity of the complete power of God at work in his incomplete children. I didn't know Kathy, but I suspect that her times of doubt were real, her struggles honest. Yet, she was faithful, as I can hope to become.
Here is where those of you who share my faith will find beauty and those of you who don't will scorn: I believe all of the nice words said about Sharon and my character are true, just as I am sure that all of the words said about Kathy Hinton are true. And knowing the traitor inside me, I can only believe they are true because of the limitless power of my Heavenly Father to make them so, despite the rot in my own soul.
Why would He do this? Because it is simply His desire to do so.
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:3
So pray for the Hintons, and pray for us: to see Him more clearly, to love Him more dearly, and to follow Him more clearly in the days left to us, wherever they may be.
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